Collaborative Parenting: Insights from Ross Greene
Parenting is no easy feat, especially when supporting children with emotional, social, or behavioral challenges, which are often seen in neurodivergent children. Dr. Ross Greene, a clinical psychologist and author, offers a compassionate and practical approach through his Collaborative and Proactive Solutions (CPS) model. This method focuses on understanding and addressing the root causes of challenging behavior by fostering collaboration between parents and children.
This blog post explores the key principles of Dr. Greene’s collaborative parenting philosophy and how it can transform your relationship with your child.
What Is Collaborative and Proactive Solutions (CPS)?
Dr. Greene’s CPS model is rooted in the belief that “kids do well if they can.” This challenges traditional disciplinary methods that view challenging behaviors as intentional or defiant. Instead, Dr. Greene suggests such behaviors stem from lagging skills or unmet needs. The CPS approach identifies these underlying issues and involves the child in finding mutually agreeable solutions.
Key elements of CPS include:
Shifting the Mindset: View challenging behavior as a signal that your child is struggling with specific skills, such as emotional regulation, problem-solving, or flexibility, rather than as intentional misbehavior.
Collaborative Problem-Solving: Engage your child in addressing issues by involving them in discussions. This fosters understanding and promotes shared responsibility for finding solutions.
Empathy and Understanding: Prioritize listening to your child’s concerns and emotions. This builds trust and reinforces that their voice matters.
The Three Steps of Collaborative Problem-Solving
Dr. Greene’s model breaks problem-solving into three steps:
1. Empathy Step: Understanding the Child’s Perspective
Start by exploring your child’s concerns about a specific problem. Use open-ended questions and listen without judgment to encourage them to share their feelings and needs. This step focuses on gathering information and validating your child’s experience.
2. Define the Adult’s Concerns
Once you’ve understood your child’s perspective, share your own concerns about the issue. This ensures both parties feel heard and sets the stage for collaboration.
3. Invitation Step: Collaborating on Solutions
Work together to brainstorm solutions that address both sets of concerns. The goal is to find a realistic and mutually satisfactory resolution.
Prioritizing Unsolved Problems
In the CPS model, it's essential to recognize that not all problems can be addressed simultaneously. Dr. Greene recommends focusing on a limited number of unsolved problems at a time to prevent overwhelming both the parent and child. Specifically, it's advised to work on no more than three unsolved problems concurrently. This approach allows for more effective problem-solving and ensures that each issue receives adequate attention and resources. Prioritizing helps in managing the most pressing concerns first, leading to more sustainable and meaningful progress.
Why Traditional Discipline Falls Short
Traditional disciplinary approaches, such as punishment or rewards, often aim to control behavior without addressing its root cause. While these methods may temporarily improve outward behavior, they can exacerbate power struggles, damage relationships, and fail to teach essential life skills. In contrast, collaborative parenting builds problem-solving abilities and strengthens the parent-child bond by emphasizing mutual respect and understanding.
Understanding Plan A, Plan B, and Plan C
Dr. Greene's CPS model outlines three approaches—Plan A, Plan B, and Plan C—for addressing unmet expectations and challenging behaviors.
Plan A: Imposing Adult Will
Plan A involves the adult unilaterally enforcing expectations without the child's input. This approach may be necessary in situations where immediate compliance is critical, such as safety concerns or emergencies. However, frequent reliance on Plan A can lead to increased resistance and challenging behaviors, particularly in children who struggle with flexibility and adaptability.
Plan B: Collaborative Problem-Solving
Plan B is the cornerstone of the CPS model, emphasizing collaboration between the adult and child to solve problems. This method involves three steps:
Empathy Step: Gathering information to understand the child's perspective on the unsolved problem.
Define Adult Concerns Step: Sharing the adult's concerns regarding the issue.
Invitation Step: Collaboratively brainstorming solutions that address both the child's and the adult's concerns.
Utilizing Plan B helps in teaching problem-solving skills, enhancing communication, and building a stronger parent-child relationship.
Plan C: Removing the Expectation Temporarily
Plan C involves temporarily setting aside certain expectations to reduce immediate pressure and focus on more pressing issues. This approach is particularly useful when a child is overwhelmed or when prioritizing multiple challenges. By removing specific demands, Plan C allows the child to regain composure and prevents escalation of challenging behaviors.
Balancing the Use of Plans
While Plan B is generally preferred for its collaborative nature, effective parenting involves discerning when to apply each plan:
Use Plan A in situations requiring immediate compliance for safety or urgent matters.
Use Plan B to collaboratively address and solve problems, fostering skill development and mutual understanding.
Use Plan C to temporarily set aside less critical expectations, allowing focus on more immediate concerns and reducing stress for both the child and adult.
Benefits of Collaborative Parenting
Strengthened Parent-Child Relationship By focusing on empathy and collaboration, parents can build stronger, more trusting relationships with their children. Children feel valued and understood, fostering a sense of security and connection.
Enhanced Problem-Solving Skills Collaborative parenting teaches children to address conflicts constructively. These skills are invaluable for navigating challenges in school, friendships, and future relationships.
Reduced Power Struggles When children feel heard and involved in decision-making, they are less likely to resist or rebel against authority. This approach shifts the dynamic from control to partnership.
Long-Term Resilience By addressing the root causes of behavior and teaching essential life skills, collaborative parenting equips children with resilience and adaptability that will serve them throughout their lives.
Resources for Collaborative Parenting
Dr. Greene’s website, Lives in the Balance, offers a wealth of free resources for parents, educators, and caregivers. These include guides, webinars, and tools for implementing the CPS model. His books, The Explosive Child and Raising Human Beings, provide detailed insights and practical strategies for applying collaborative parenting principles in everyday life.
Conclusion
Dr. Ross Greene’s collaborative parenting approach provides a compassionate and effective alternative to traditional discipline. By prioritizing empathy, understanding, and partnership, parents can foster stronger relationships with their children while equipping them with the skills they need to thrive. Whether you’re navigating everyday challenges or addressing significant behavioral concerns, collaborative parenting offers a roadmap for creating a harmonious and supportive family environment.
